a collection of shortcomings...

reminder

2005-04-07T05:26:55Z

new journal. LOVE IT.

almost_destined

as promised

2005-04-06T05:31:24Z

I finished setting up my new lj. How accomplished I feel.

I've added most of you. Add me back or else.

almost_destined almost_destined almost_destined

i have to be this way...

2005-04-06T02:23:47Z

Ah, and how lovely it is to have substance to turn to after a stressful night/day.

Yes, I have to say there were some tears. I make with what I've got in life though and I feel like changes are due to occur. I can't quote that Phil Ochs song enough. And I won't take the trouble to do so right now because frankly I've the time nor the patience. That's a lie. In part.

I am working on a new livejournal by the way. Once I have it set up I'll be sure to let all of you know. I feel like starting a new chapter. Turning over a new leaf, if you will. Enough cliche, I want to start again.

I think if the Bouncing Souls intend on continuing down the lyrical path they have chosen for their last wonderful albums, then it would be something worth considering for them to write a song completely based on the life of Emily Gower. I think the content would be quite suitable. Plus, I know for a fact I've already overused all of my Bouncing Souls quotes.

Let me be your basket case.

another blasphemy

2005-04-06T00:30:10Z

I hate this. I don't feel like being responsible tonight.

I'm such an asshole for preaching with the "be good to yourself." I'm such a miserable hypocrite.

Cheers and such.

fuck.

2005-04-04T16:23:10Z

Oh good Lord. The things I get myself tangled up in.....

I could use some stability right now.

My livejournal is so bipolar it's almost institution-worthy.

appleblossom13 @ 2005-04-04T02:25:00

2005-04-04T06:57:39Z

Now I confess. But I have a guarded heart again. I miss the one I've lost. I miss the one I haven't lost yet. I want this. But he's underestimated me. I see more truth than he's given me credit for. I want this. I am a free spirit. And the risks I take are never satisfying enough. There is, somewhere buried in my heart, a reason for my taking such a dangerous chance. But why strive to define when all it causes is heartache along the way. I am, in a way, holding on and letting go all at once. I'm scared. Only time will tell if this next blind step leads me into fire.

if the world could remain within a frame....

2005-04-03T23:39:50Z

Farmtown is all flooded. I might be sick, therefore running the risk of dying at anytime. I slept three hours this afternoon. The vending machine is out of ginger ale. My stomach is itchy. I have to pay my life in road fines. I miss my roommate.

But things are good nevertheless.

Is it April really? Really? My birthday is next month.

Depending on the course of events I may or may not go to bed early tonight. We'll see how the evening progresses.

I was Melissa's proxy for room selection today. I felt powerful. But not really. Especially since where I will be living next semester is still up in the air due to my insufficient financial means. If worse comes to worse I'll consult Milford C. about homeless life in Farmington. I'm pretty sure I could handle that.

My left foot is asleep.

don't let it go away.

2005-04-03T16:13:32Z

I'm a part of something significant. And not to fall into shameless sentiment... but I found something to hold onto. This is more than I ever expected. It's good.

This weekend was simple and easy and lovely and comfortable and fun. And tonight I'll be lonely sleeping by myself.

To you--- thinking of you. I ate lunch when I got back. And I haven't smoked since I've returned. No worries, love.

buy me a becks beer or pass me a bong....

2005-04-01T12:32:53Z

As is tradition, we do a sober follow-up entry. I ingested just enough alcohol last night to put me sufficiently under the influence, but not enough to give me stomach upheaving issues. Which is good in that puking sucks, but bad in that hangovers suck as well. I have to say though, for 7am I feel alright.

I woke up this morning probably around 4:30 after having happily passed out for a good couple hours. The sun came up and I let go of all chances of falling back asleep. I was bored so I went for a walk and saw pretty much all of Farmington. It started as a loop around the campus, really, but turned into a trek all over town. I just walked and thought about Ireland and then came back and read my book.

I had two long conversations with Craig last night which ultimately put me in the happy mood I spoke of above. I do in fact remember most of what was said. And now Melissa is doing a shockingly accurate impression of my drunken entrance last night. So yes, all in all I went to bed happy and drunk-- a good end to the night.

This weekends should be fairly brilliant as well, spending time with that new interest of mine. Until then, I fill up the hours with what needs to be done. Lovely.

swept away by golden drops of dawn

2005-03-31T18:14:20Z

The sun is out and I've got my shade pulled up. And there is a picture of Harry sitting on my windowsil. I think, finally, I can look at that picture without flooding myself with emotion. I've come to a point where I know that hanging on desperately to a thread of the relationship we once had is a waste of time and a waste of energy. I am safely over him.

This is not to say that I don't love him still. Of course I will always hold him in my heart as someone who redirected my views on love. But my love for him is that of a close friend, and I'm keeping it at that level.

Looking back, I'm amazed at the time it took me to come to this conclusion. I spent a period of time mourning the loss of his love like the death of a brother or best friend. And now I've opened my eyes, spent some time alone. I'm turning around, so to speak.

Growing close to another person doesn't feel awkward anymore. It's a relief, and a surprise, and a comfort.

"The world's spinning madly, it drifts in the dark/ Swings through a hollow of haze,/ A race around the stars, a journey through/ The universe ablaze with changes." ---Phil Ochs

kiss me i'm irish!

2005-03-31T02:16:40Z

The vending machine downstairs in the lobby hasn't sold blue Gatorade in at least three monthes. And I have to say, I'm a little upset about that. First of all, the crack bar sells blue Gatorade, but I have neither the patience nor the motivation to walk all the way to the student center. Second, I rarely am thristy for blue Gatorade anytime before 11:00pm, which is the time the crackbar closes. So you can see I have somewhat of a situation here.

Melissa gave me peanutbutter easter eggs today and for that I am eternally grateful.

Today really felt like spring and it was fucking beautiful. I took advantage of the weather and spent some time downtown with my lovely girls. Probably the high point of my day was buying a new Ireland book at the used bookstore. This one I've wanted ever since I set eyes on it a few monthes ago. And now it's mine. Yesssss. Thank God for store credit. I also bought some new green shades which I think are brilliant with the color of my hair.

"MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken" --Lewis Black

Comedy Central is probably one of my favorite things of my life. Definitely right up there with peanutbutter and blue Gatorade.

...in the question that you state

2005-03-30T17:26:39Z

Really what can I say about last night? I'm feeling a definite connection. Physically, mentally. Craig is someone I feel immediately comfortable with. He is something more stable then I've known.

And Melissa has good things to say about him, which is always a plus knowing how critical she can be of the people I tend to hang out with. She's always looking out for me, that girl. She really is a second mommy to me.

I think Dustin might be upset with me. But I can never really be sure.

thoughts on booze

2005-03-29T21:39:07Z

strings of souls: i mean, in retrospect i wasted a lot of time that i could have used doing other more meaningful things... being productive you know
nnnnnnnader: yep
nnnnnnnader: drinking is very counter productive to almost all aspects of life
nnnnnnnader: its just so fun

...this is very true.

words that are sure to come back to me

2005-03-29T13:41:44Z

I'm up early again this morning for reasons unknown to me. I woke up around 6:00 and my internet was still down and my roomie was still gone and I was sad.

It's nice to have the room to myself occasionally , but I Jesus, I missed Meliss these last few days. Poor thing-- visits to the emergency room are never fun.

I had phonetime with Craig last night. A nice connection was made. I think he and I share a lot of similar beliefs, and he seems like a good person to have an inteligent conversation with. Plus he's a musician.

new kind of kick

2005-03-28T05:07:26Z

I have a good feeling tonight. I like my new friend. His name is Craig and he can scream like nobody's business. No doubt there will be more on him later.

My beautiful Julie and Erika are here to visit with Sticky (who had the privelige of riding in my grunged out L.L. Bean backpack from junior high school today). We had a nice evening of acoustic guitar, cigarettes, and dog-smuggling. A good combination, really.

I have to say I was highly surprised at the low level of disaster in my weekend at home in little Winterport. All things considered, the visit was smooth and drama-free.

Dawn and Thor brought the kids over this afternoon. I sneezed and Eric gave me a quizzical look, then asked me if I had a yeast infection. Where does a 6-year-old get an idea like that?

Things are looking up. Life is alright.

I might clean tomorrow. Or not.

this is what happens when emily gets bored

2005-03-28T01:13:18Z

^before I cut my hair, with my AC/DC hat^

I just realized I look really sad/annoyed in these pictures. Well, I'm not. What can I say.

christ on a bicycle

2005-03-27T05:43:31Z

So today was a pretty eventful day consdering I didn't actually get up til 1:30.

Katie and I went to Bangor where I finally bought the ASD cd. I have to say that was pretty exciting. I also bought more hair dye and a Victory Records DVD that was on sale at Hot Topic (yes ok ok I shop there occasionally) containing music videos from River City Rebels, Catch22, Straylight Run, Atreyu and a bunch of other bands. I was very happy with that purchase.

I gave myself a haircut. To begin with it was only supposed to be a trim, but once I got started I couldn't stop (you know how that is- and I am so effing impulsive), so I ended up cutting like three inches off. And I re-dyed it. Because the other red was washing out. I'll post pictures tomorrow when I have the energy and my digital camera.

I like musicians. A lot. I admire them. And I think I would like to be one. If only I had the drive. And the talent for that matter-- there isn't much call for professional pianists and my three chord songs on guitar probably wouldn't cut it in the music industry. Maybe I'll be a groupie for a rock band. No no no that's not me either.

I'm hopeless.

Tomorrow's Easter. I don't really care. I hate jelly beans. Bleh.

So these days not talking or having any communication with Harry whatsoever have been good for me, believe it or not. It's given me a chance to step back and realize that I'm wasting my time trying to convince myself that he will fall back in love with me, or feeling sorry for myself, or being angry and whatnot. I mean, for chrissakes, we've been broken up for four fucking monthes now. I really should have pulled myself together a long time ago.

I feel EMPOWERED yes yes.

On another topic alltogether. I think it might be worth trying to try and fall asleep and wake up at semi-decent sort of hours... it would improve my health some. My mind will have to take this issue up with my body another time though, because right now I don't have the patients.

My mother is acting like a normal person this weekend. What a wonderful change in events!

you can tell by the state of my room that they let me out too soon

2005-03-26T05:04:17Z

Nothing like left over chinese food and and cheap softcore porn on cable. I wish weekends at home were always this easy.

My piano desperately needs to be tuned. This makes me sad.

My brother provided me with a last minute babysitting job this evening, whch was good in that I got the chance to chill out with my niece and nephew who happen to be pretty much the coolest kids ever. Also, my brother pays me to babysit. He of course understands the difficulties of being poor.

I've started a habit of making smoothies after midnight and waking up everyone in the house with the ungodly blender on the weekends when I'm home. I think this is something worth continuing.

I would like to fall in love again at some point.

I spiked my nephew's hair today and he looked like am mini surf punk. It was adorable, I have to say.

angel of the morning

2005-03-25T10:54:37Z

For one reason or another I woke up at 4:30 this morning. I went out for a cigarette and Farmington was so quiet. Peaceful. It was nice.

you're playin for keeps and there's no place left to run

2005-03-25T01:25:17Z

I really don't understand much of anything anymore. Apparently there is some ongoing drama around my dorm that I'm not in on. Or maybe I'm in on it and haven't figured it out yet. Either way, something I've noticed- something that makes me slightly apprehensive- is that nobody really solves their problems directly anymore. In other words, there is a lot of talking-behind-the back and using other public means (i.e. livejournal etc.) of airing issues. I won't pretend to be above this in anyway because God knows I'm just as guilty as everyone else. It's just a general observation.

In other news, I've done some communicating with the Searching today and yesterday... remember, the band fulla hotties (lyke omg lolz akjfkejrghk). Fun times. I've also had the chance to talk to a mysterious someone who I've become fairly intrigued by. This also is fun fun good wonderful times.

I'm all by my lonesome self tonight yet again since Melissa has gone home for church. Anyone in the area (or not, if you feel compelled to drive) is invited to a sleepover in room 222 scott north. The more attractive of you can sleep in my bed. Boys and girls alike are welcome. I won't discriminate. Otherwise, I may have to consult my Female Orgasm referance sheet, teehee.

There is a possibility that in my everyday life I talk far too much about masturbation. But to be entirely honest, anal sex, oral sex, porn, S&M, and other subjects of the same matter come up just as much. I try not to limit myself, you know?

orgasm... i would like one of those

2005-03-24T01:51:41Z

Yesterday I went to a presentation on campus called the Female Oragasm where I learned exercises I can do to strengthen my vagina muscles. It was most interesting. But I don't think I'm alone in saying that it would have been far better had they handed out complimentary vibrators.

I had a dream about Alek Jadkowski last night.

After the presentation, we cracked open Leah's booze and acquired some Captain from Joyce. I had two drinks. Two. Since when do I stop at two drinks? But I did. After chugging a cupful of Apple Pucker and a quick shot I thought to myself, I really don't want to get drunk tonight. So I didn't. Simple as that. But not so simple.

I went back to the room by myself. I slept alone.

I've been meeting a lot of very cool people in the last few weeks. And for that I am thankful.

P.S.

2005-03-22T14:08:47Z

Oh yeah. Eli convinced me to start doing myspace. So if anyone has an account feel free to add me. click click click

hey socrates, i need some help.

2005-03-22T10:35:59Z

I've officially given Joe the postion of bouncer at my funeral. That is, if he is still alive when I die. No bitches allowed at my funeral. And no pink flowers.

I'm glad I have such a tight relationship with my RA. Both of my RA's for that matter.

I think if Satan is anything like the Satan in South Park, I would really like to meet him.

I've been up all night writing a paper for philosophy. I'm not finished. I want to cry.

I'm thinking of cutting and/or dying my hair.

Can I just say something? I've come to the conclusion that I drive my mother crazy. It's that simple. I drive her nuts. I'm convinced that she is only neurotic and emotional and unstable around me. Well, maybe me and my aunt Beth (but who can blame her for that... what a cunt of misery she is).

I'm losing coherence by the minute. I should get back to my paper.

another story another memory another day the way things should be

2005-03-21T04:42:15Z

Leah and I have been trying to devise ways of getting onto the roof of our building. We've come up with a few ideas but they don't ever seem to make any sense, logistically speaking of course.

The more I think about it the more I come to realize that there is a Bouncing Souls lyric for basically every emotion I've felt in my life. The Bouncing Souls write words to live by I tell you.

So I had a little mood slip over the weekend. Oh well. I deal.

It's been brought to my attention that my writing has become rather passionless. I think this is true.

charging foreward blind

2005-03-20T05:31:37Z

Have I lost that condition, a connection I couldn't see?

I have lost something. I'm running too many red lights. I've had enough of things I can't touch.

Pouring over memories becomes my obsession and my comfort. And it's so false. However permanent these memories are, will be, have been. The only feeling I can grasp from them is temporary at best. I have no use for this. I've over drawn my memory bank.

I'm sucking all the inspiration I can out of this weight on my heart. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of staring in this direction all day.

So I create something new. And I try to look foreward.